Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day to my followers ūüôā ¬†Today is the traditional day for celebrating love, but I believe love is something that should be celebrated all year around, with everyone in our lives. ¬†Even if you’re single today, take time to appreciate how much love is in your life right now. ¬†Look for all the ways the people in your life show you they love you, from the friend who has always supported and believed in you no matter what, to the cup of coffee your sister brought you as a peace-offering that time you had a spat. ¬†

Valentines Day Picture

The reality is that even if we’re not in the right relationship yet, our lives are filled with love. ¬†All of us have people in our lives who would do anything for us, but we’re so focused on the form it should take, that it only counts if it comes from a romantic partner, that we miss the love that’s right in front of us and all around us.

How can you show more love and appreciation to your loved ones today? ¬†Call up an old friend and tell them you’ve been thinking of them. ¬†Invite some of your single friends around for a home cooked dinner. ¬†Tell someone how much they mean to you, and how lucky you are to have them in your life. ¬†Do all this with the pure intention of giving love, without expecting anything in return. ¬†

And of course, also spend today giving love to yourself. ¬†Fill yourself up with love, do something you’ve been wanting to do for ages. ¬†Take the afternoon off and indulge in a favourite book. ¬†Think of ways you can commit even more deeply to yourself by visioning the big dream you have for your life and the great purpose you were born to share with the world, and take the first steps today to make that a reality.

Happy Valentine’s Day again, and no matter what your relationship status, allow today to be as love filled as you can make it. ¬†You are pure love at your core, so share the gift of your authentic self, everywhere you go. xoxoxo

Happy International Self Love Day!

Happy International Self Love Day, Ladies!  Not many people know about this holiday, but I believe self love is the key to attracting all the things we want into our lives, including the right relationships, romantic or otherwise, and should be celebrated.  Spending time with ourselves, really getting to know who we are, the truth of who we are right at our cores is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and everyone in our lives.

It is almost impossible to create the life and love you want, if you don’t know or love who you are. ¬†You’ll continuously look for people outside of you to give you that which you can only give to yourself. ¬†We’ve all been there. ¬†I’ve been the woman who feared that she was a horrible person at her core, and pulled on other people to prove to her that she really was a good person, all the while afraid that sooner or later, they’d discover how bad I really was. ¬†I’ve also been the woman who attracted the Walking Wounded, people who pulled on her to make amends for all the wrongs life had done them. ¬†Being on either side of the dynamic will never bring us the deep inner peace, happiness, joy and love we’re really looking for.

Life On Own Terms

Self love takes courage. ¬†I also believe it’s a discipline, something we need to chose day after day, even when we don’t feel like it. ¬†We choose to love ourselves, even when we don’t feel good, or we make mistakes. ¬†This is real unconditional love, something you commit to creating moment to moment, not just something you promise yourself when you’re feeling on top of the world, and goes out the window as soon as you feel angry or fed up or sad.

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone loved themselves unconditionally, with the kind of healthy love that flows out to everyone in our lives? ¬†No more choosing relationships based on fear. ¬†No more staying in jobs which drain us because we’re too afraid of going after what we really want. ¬†No more neglecting our health or scraping by month after month because we’re too afraid of rejection or feelings of unworthiness to charge what we’re really worth.

If you’re single right now, the day before Valentine’s Day, you’re actually in a very lucky situation. ¬†You have a free canvas for creating the love you really want so that next Valentine’s Day, you may wake up in the arms of the love of your life. ¬†And you can start creating this right now, on International Self Love Day, by righting the most important relationship you’ll ever have in your life, the one you have with yourself. ¬†Make a decision today that you’re going to commit to knowing yourself and falling deeply in love with who you really are. ¬†At the end of the day, you’re the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, the one who’s going to be with you no matter what. ¬†And the deep, loving, passionate relationship you’re looking for can only happen when two people who know and love who they are, come together to give and share love rather than to get love.

Self love isn’t always an easy thing to develop. ¬†I grew up with a lot of examples of toxic self love and I couldn’t shake the belief that to love myself and put myself first would make me a selfish person who would hurt other people. ¬†But I learned, as will you, that self love is only selfish if you think it’s only something you should have. ¬†When you give to yourself to the detriment of other people and think other people should give to you ‘just because’.

When you have a deep, healthy self love, you want everyone else to experience it too. You don’t think other people valuing themselves makes you somehow less valuable. ¬†Self love prevents you from pulling on others to give to you what you can only get from yourself. ¬†Healthy self love makes you a more open hearted, generous person and developing it is one of the most selfless things you can do.

What can you do today to fall more deeply in love with yourself?  How can you be kinder to yourself?

Hint:¬†¬†Imagine your ideal relationship. ¬†Imagine how he’ll treat you. ¬†That’s how you treat yourself. ¬†The relationships we call in are a reflection of our relationships with ourselves. ¬†If you attract men who don’t care about what you want, you need to ask yourself in what ways are you neglecting your own wants. ¬†If you attract men who are never there for you, you need to ask yourself in what ways are you not there for yourself. ¬†And if you want to attract a strong, loving man who will love you, no matter what, you need to commit to feeling this way about yourself first.

I’ll be writing more on developing deep self love in the coming weeks but for now, let me once again wish you all a Happy Self Love Day. Here’s to creating the most important love you’ll ever have!

Coaching Offer: From People-Pleaser to Desirable, Authentic Woman

If you’re a woman who engages in¬†people-pleasing behaviour, who finds herself drained and exhausted from trying to meet other people’s needs, then this offer is specifically designed for you. ¬†Over the next 90 days, you’ll overcome this pattern, reclaim your power and feel valued and accepted for who you really are, not for what you can do for others. It will transform your life and relationships.

The cost of being a people-pleaser is high. You feel stressed and resentful that you give so much to other people, who never seem to feel guilty about not giving to you in return.  In fact, they often actively discourage you from having any needs of your own, making you feel that your needs are a massive imposition, while their needs, no matter how big, are perfectly reasonable.

You’re probably an expert in anticipating other people’s needs and you often wonder why they aren’t as sensitive and considerate about anticipating yours. You may feel guilty for having any needs of your own. ¬†You find it difficult, if not impossible to say no to others. ¬†Deep down, you may even feel that you only exist in relation to other people and you don’t know who you would be if you weren’t taking care of them. The idea of people disliking you or possibly leaving you, withdrawing their love and affection fills you with a sick feeling of dread. ¬†You’re afraid to express your real desires and opinions in case it drives other people away.

Because you’re a kind, loving and compassionate woman, you might also find that you attract people who feel no guilt with taking advantage of your generous nature. ¬†You keep hoping that each new relationship will be different, that you’ll finally find someone who will want to take care of you for a change. ¬†But instead, you feel like a magnet for users and takers who are only happy to stay as long as you’re giving to them and not expecting anything in return.

Driving people-pleasing, over-giving behaviour is a belief, often unconscious, that if you give to other people, anticipate all their needs and be whoever they want you to be, while at the same time suppressing your own needs, expectations, thoughts and opinions, that you will be loved, approved of, appreciated and taken care of. ¬†You might even fantasise about other people finally realising that you were the one who ‘saved’ them and was there for them all along. ¬†In your fantasy, these grateful people will then shower you with love, adoration and appreciation for the rest of your life and will repay your kindness by meeting all of your needs in return, without you ever having to risk rejection or disapproval by asking directly for what you want.

The frustrating part of this is that it doesn’t work. ¬†Instead, you feel sick, exhausted and resentful. ¬†You feel like you’re a magnet for self-absorbed, narcissistic people who expect you to meet all of their needs while at the same time shaming you and making you feel guilty for having any of your own. ¬†If you’ve been dreaming of finding the right relationship for some time now, you probably look at other women who have adoring men falling all over themselves to meet their needs while any guy you meet acts as though you needing anything from him at all is completely unacceptable. ¬†Your deepest desire is to be loved, accepted and appreciated for who you are and yet it never seems to happen for you the way it does for other people who you sometimes secretly feel are less deserving.

New Year Beach Couple

This 90 day program is designed to take you from unappreciated people-pleaser to adored, authentic woman who is unapologetic about her desires and can express them in a way that inspires other people to want to meet them.  This one to one coaching program is about you reclaiming yourself and your authentic voice and moving from a life based in fear to a richer one based in love.

Over 90 days, the two of us will work together to:

  • Uncover your underlying beliefs about relationships, other people and about who you are, to pinpoint where this behaviour comes from so we can shift them to more empowering beliefs, thoughts and actions.
  • You will pinpoint the specific ways that you’ve been giving your power away to others so you can replace these behaviours with more positive actions, which honour your own needs.
  • You’ll answer some enlightening questions to learn the top two needs which are the driving force behind everything you do and uncover the unhealthy ways you’ve been trying to get these needs met. You will learn the tools and skills to start meeting your needs in healthier ways which serve you and are more true to who you really are.
  • You will learn the tools and skills for setting boundaries without guilt so that you are no longer available to be unappreciated and taken advantage of. ¬†You will see how having strong boundaries actually frees you up to have even more compassion and consideration for others, when you no longer have to fear being treated like a doormat. ¬†It will also mean that others will have a higher value for your time and energy.
  • You will reclaim your power and identify the ways you’ve been giving it away to other people, needing their permission to feel worthy and good about yourself.
  • You will learn who you really are, your true authentic and magnetic self and experience the satisfaction and joy of being who you want to be and not who other people need you to be.
  • You’ll learn your true values, dreams, desires and needs and will learn the skills to express them confidently and unapologetically so you’re no longer playing small. ¬†This skill will start to call people into your life who are happy and proud to meet your needs.
  • You’ll build a strong sense of self so you never again feel the need to change into someone you’re not.
  • You’ll learn the signs of toxic, manipulative people who don’t have your well-being at heart so you can weed them out quickly. ¬†You will also learn to hold onto who you are and ¬†your own truth and reality when you interact with people like this. ¬†No more feeling confused, guilty and afraid when dealing with crazy-making people. This skill is invaluable when dealing with toxic family members who aren’t so easy to walk away from. No more stomach-churning stress when you go home for the Holidays.
  • You’ll learn to stop apologizing for who you are and celebrate the fact that you deserve to be here and take up space as much as anyone.
  • You’ll uncover any unconscious negative beliefs you have about assertive, self-loving behaviour and learn to see them in a healthier, more positive light.
  • You’ll learn the secrets to loving and valuing yourself unconditionally so that you will never accept crumbs from anyone again. ¬†You will love yourself so deeply that you simply won’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t feel the same way. ¬†You’ll learn to treat yourself very well and understand why you actually help and serve people more deeply by putting yourself first. ¬†No-one will ever thank you for devaluing yourself, to make them feel better.

Over the next 90 days, we will meet weekly through 60 minute Skype sessions.  The first session will be a 90 minute intensive so I can learn all about you, and your own unique patterns, beliefs and desires so we can get crystal clear on where you hope to be by the end of the program.  You will also have email access to me over the 90 days so you can reach out to me with questions at any time.

The cost of this 90 day program is only ¬£500. ¬† This is a holiday price and will go back to it’s usual price of ¬£650¬†after January 2014. ¬†I only have 10 places for 10 women¬†6 places for 6 women on this program so sign up quickly below so you can start the new year being your full, empowered and magnetic self, to call in the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Buy Now Button with Credit Cards

If you have any questions, email me at borntobeaheroine@gmail.com.

New Year Offer Friends

I look forward to helping you overcome your self-destructive people-pleasing patterns and helping you to reclaim your true self.

How To Not Take Things Personally

There’s always a chance it’s going to happen. ¬†Something will fall apart. ¬†A relationship will implode. ¬†Someone you thought you could trust will do something that will leave you reeling with shock and betrayal.

It’s very easy to turn this back on yourself. ¬†To beat yourself up, and ask yourself how you could have not seen it coming. ¬†You’ll compare yourself to others who seem to flow through life effortlessly. ¬†If you’ve been doing lots of work on yourself, you might start asking yourself what it’s all for. ¬†What’s the point in putting so much effort into growth and improving yourself if nothing ever changes?

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licen

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin

Something like this happened to me recently. ¬†A difficult, non-romantic relationship which I hoped had been resolved (although I was taking it one day at a time) went off the way it always had done before, in spite of all the promises that everything would change. ¬†I do feel sad and disappointed. ¬†But it’s nothing like the devastation I used to feel every time this happened before. ¬†Because I’ve made my peace with the knowledge that this isn’t about me. ¬†Before, I would have beaten myself up and blamed myself for the situation going the way it did. ¬†I would have been plunged into the old fog where reality was completely turned on it’s head, where up was down, black was white, left was right. I would have felt like all the changes I’d made had come to nothing.

But now I know that’s not the case. ¬†I can’t control how other people respond to me, all I can control is my own response to them. ¬†I can’t stop someone from behaving in a toxic way. ¬†But I can refuse to allow myself to be manipulated, by holding onto my own reality and getting drawn into someone else’s story.

The following steps will help you to not take it personally when a relationship goes wrong, especially when you thought things were improving.

1: Release control. ¬†When you improve yourself, you do it unconditionally. ¬†That means sometimes people around you won’t like it when you interact with them in a new, more empowered way. And that’s ok. ¬†How they choose to respond (choose being the operative word) is completely up to them, and really none of your business. You don’t need their permission to make positive changes to yourself.

2: Realise they’re probably not even responding to you. ¬†People are often stuck in their own scripts and stories. ¬†Lots of times, they’re not even responding to you at all, they’re responding to a story about you that they’ve created in their minds. ¬†They’ve decided you’re ‘this kind of person’, even if it has nothing to do with reality. ¬†As a silly example, I once knew someone who saw me as a Goth. When I asked them why they thought this, they told me it was because I dressed in black all the time. I was standing in front of them, wearing a pink skirt and a white top. ¬†I actually didn’t even own any black clothes, so they had never seen me dressed in black. ¬†But because this person created a story that I was a Goth, the fact that I looked nothing like she described me was completely ignored. Realise that the story they’ve created has nothing to do with you in reality. ¬†It only exists inside their head.

3: Remember that you have everything you need already within you. ¬†If you feel you need to get someone to respond to you in a certain way so you can feel loved, then it’s going to trigger you when you feel them withdraw their love from you. ¬†It will probably trigger beliefs you have that you’ll never be loved. ¬†But when you shift your perspective, and remember that you already have all the love you’ll ever need within you, that you have an unlimited supply of love that you always have access to, ¬†then you won’t buy into any old beliefs when someone behaves in a less than loving way. You are no longer trying to get something from outside of you, that you already have within you.

4: Remember that their behavior might not have anything to do with you.¬† If they have been acting strangely, it could be for any number of reasons. ¬†For example, if you have been urging a friend to meet up for the past month and they keep putting it off or making excuses then it’s easy to believe they’re avoiding you. ¬†But remember that your friend has a whole life outside of her relationship with you. ¬†Maybe she’s stressed because of work, or maybe she’s having problems in her marriage. How many times in the past have you been worried that someone’s been ‘off’ with you, only to find out that it had nothing to do with you at all? ¬†The solution in a situation like this is to simply ask if everything is ok. ¬†If on the rare chance, the problem is with you, you can then work together to resolve it. ¬†If the problem is something else, then you can offer your friend your support.

When you get to this place of not taking things personally, your relationships will be much smoother. ¬†You’ll feel less guarded, not waiting for the other shoe to drop. ¬†You’ll also feel more comfortable opening up and allowing new relationships into your life, knowing that no matter what happens, you will always be loved and valued, and that you hold the key to that, no-one else.

Radio Show

Recently, I was interviewed by Carmen Wyld, on her Inspired Conscious Living radio show. ¬†We talked about how to stop apologizing for who you are, and why authentic self love is at the core of creating the life of your desire. ¬†Enjoy ūüôā

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiringconsciousliving/2013/11/10/interview-with-tiffany–transition-coach

 

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dexxus/4714207610/">paul bica</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>