Coaching Offer: From People-Pleaser to Desirable, Authentic Woman

If you’re a woman who engages in people-pleasing behaviour, who finds herself drained and exhausted from trying to meet other people’s needs, then this offer is specifically designed for you.  Over the next 90 days, you’ll overcome this pattern, reclaim your power and feel valued and accepted for who you really are, not for what you can do for others. It will transform your life and relationships.

The cost of being a people-pleaser is high. You feel stressed and resentful that you give so much to other people, who never seem to feel guilty about not giving to you in return.  In fact, they often actively discourage you from having any needs of your own, making you feel that your needs are a massive imposition, while their needs, no matter how big, are perfectly reasonable.

You’re probably an expert in anticipating other people’s needs and you often wonder why they aren’t as sensitive and considerate about anticipating yours. You may feel guilty for having any needs of your own.  You find it difficult, if not impossible to say no to others.  Deep down, you may even feel that you only exist in relation to other people and you don’t know who you would be if you weren’t taking care of them. The idea of people disliking you or possibly leaving you, withdrawing their love and affection fills you with a sick feeling of dread.  You’re afraid to express your real desires and opinions in case it drives other people away.

Because you’re a kind, loving and compassionate woman, you might also find that you attract people who feel no guilt with taking advantage of your generous nature.  You keep hoping that each new relationship will be different, that you’ll finally find someone who will want to take care of you for a change.  But instead, you feel like a magnet for users and takers who are only happy to stay as long as you’re giving to them and not expecting anything in return.

Driving people-pleasing, over-giving behaviour is a belief, often unconscious, that if you give to other people, anticipate all their needs and be whoever they want you to be, while at the same time suppressing your own needs, expectations, thoughts and opinions, that you will be loved, approved of, appreciated and taken care of.  You might even fantasise about other people finally realising that you were the one who ‘saved’ them and was there for them all along.  In your fantasy, these grateful people will then shower you with love, adoration and appreciation for the rest of your life and will repay your kindness by meeting all of your needs in return, without you ever having to risk rejection or disapproval by asking directly for what you want.

The frustrating part of this is that it doesn’t work.  Instead, you feel sick, exhausted and resentful.  You feel like you’re a magnet for self-absorbed, narcissistic people who expect you to meet all of their needs while at the same time shaming you and making you feel guilty for having any of your own.  If you’ve been dreaming of finding the right relationship for some time now, you probably look at other women who have adoring men falling all over themselves to meet their needs while any guy you meet acts as though you needing anything from him at all is completely unacceptable.  Your deepest desire is to be loved, accepted and appreciated for who you are and yet it never seems to happen for you the way it does for other people who you sometimes secretly feel are less deserving.

New Year Beach Couple

This 90 day program is designed to take you from unappreciated people-pleaser to adored, authentic woman who is unapologetic about her desires and can express them in a way that inspires other people to want to meet them.  This one to one coaching program is about you reclaiming yourself and your authentic voice and moving from a life based in fear to a richer one based in love.

Over 90 days, the two of us will work together to:

  • Uncover your underlying beliefs about relationships, other people and about who you are, to pinpoint where this behaviour comes from so we can shift them to more empowering beliefs, thoughts and actions.
  • You will pinpoint the specific ways that you’ve been giving your power away to others so you can replace these behaviours with more positive actions, which honour your own needs.
  • You’ll answer some enlightening questions to learn the top two needs which are the driving force behind everything you do and uncover the unhealthy ways you’ve been trying to get these needs met. You will learn the tools and skills to start meeting your needs in healthier ways which serve you and are more true to who you really are.
  • You will learn the tools and skills for setting boundaries without guilt so that you are no longer available to be unappreciated and taken advantage of.  You will see how having strong boundaries actually frees you up to have even more compassion and consideration for others, when you no longer have to fear being treated like a doormat.  It will also mean that others will have a higher value for your time and energy.
  • You will reclaim your power and identify the ways you’ve been giving it away to other people, needing their permission to feel worthy and good about yourself.
  • You will learn who you really are, your true authentic and magnetic self and experience the satisfaction and joy of being who you want to be and not who other people need you to be.
  • You’ll learn your true values, dreams, desires and needs and will learn the skills to express them confidently and unapologetically so you’re no longer playing small.  This skill will start to call people into your life who are happy and proud to meet your needs.
  • You’ll build a strong sense of self so you never again feel the need to change into someone you’re not.
  • You’ll learn the signs of toxic, manipulative people who don’t have your well-being at heart so you can weed them out quickly.  You will also learn to hold onto who you are and  your own truth and reality when you interact with people like this.  No more feeling confused, guilty and afraid when dealing with crazy-making people. This skill is invaluable when dealing with toxic family members who aren’t so easy to walk away from. No more stomach-churning stress when you go home for the Holidays.
  • You’ll learn to stop apologizing for who you are and celebrate the fact that you deserve to be here and take up space as much as anyone.
  • You’ll uncover any unconscious negative beliefs you have about assertive, self-loving behaviour and learn to see them in a healthier, more positive light.
  • You’ll learn the secrets to loving and valuing yourself unconditionally so that you will never accept crumbs from anyone again.  You will love yourself so deeply that you simply won’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t feel the same way.  You’ll learn to treat yourself very well and understand why you actually help and serve people more deeply by putting yourself first.  No-one will ever thank you for devaluing yourself, to make them feel better.

Over the next 90 days, we will meet weekly through 60 minute Skype sessions.  The first session will be a 90 minute intensive so I can learn all about you, and your own unique patterns, beliefs and desires so we can get crystal clear on where you hope to be by the end of the program.  You will also have email access to me over the 90 days so you can reach out to me with questions at any time.

The cost of this 90 day program is only £500.   This is a holiday price and will go back to it’s usual price of £650 after January 2014.  I only have 10 places for 10 women 6 places for 6 women on this program so sign up quickly below so you can start the new year being your full, empowered and magnetic self, to call in the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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If you have any questions, email me at borntobeaheroine@gmail.com.

New Year Offer Friends

I look forward to helping you overcome your self-destructive people-pleasing patterns and helping you to reclaim your true self.

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How To Not Take Things Personally

There’s always a chance it’s going to happen.  Something will fall apart.  A relationship will implode.  Someone you thought you could trust will do something that will leave you reeling with shock and betrayal.

It’s very easy to turn this back on yourself.  To beat yourself up, and ask yourself how you could have not seen it coming.  You’ll compare yourself to others who seem to flow through life effortlessly.  If you’ve been doing lots of work on yourself, you might start asking yourself what it’s all for.  What’s the point in putting so much effort into growth and improving yourself if nothing ever changes?

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licen

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin

Something like this happened to me recently.  A difficult, non-romantic relationship which I hoped had been resolved (although I was taking it one day at a time) went off the way it always had done before, in spite of all the promises that everything would change.  I do feel sad and disappointed.  But it’s nothing like the devastation I used to feel every time this happened before.  Because I’ve made my peace with the knowledge that this isn’t about me.  Before, I would have beaten myself up and blamed myself for the situation going the way it did.  I would have been plunged into the old fog where reality was completely turned on it’s head, where up was down, black was white, left was right. I would have felt like all the changes I’d made had come to nothing.

But now I know that’s not the case.  I can’t control how other people respond to me, all I can control is my own response to them.  I can’t stop someone from behaving in a toxic way.  But I can refuse to allow myself to be manipulated, by holding onto my own reality and getting drawn into someone else’s story.

The following steps will help you to not take it personally when a relationship goes wrong, especially when you thought things were improving.

1: Release control.  When you improve yourself, you do it unconditionally.  That means sometimes people around you won’t like it when you interact with them in a new, more empowered way. And that’s ok.  How they choose to respond (choose being the operative word) is completely up to them, and really none of your business. You don’t need their permission to make positive changes to yourself.

2: Realise they’re probably not even responding to you.  People are often stuck in their own scripts and stories.  Lots of times, they’re not even responding to you at all, they’re responding to a story about you that they’ve created in their minds.  They’ve decided you’re ‘this kind of person’, even if it has nothing to do with reality.  As a silly example, I once knew someone who saw me as a Goth. When I asked them why they thought this, they told me it was because I dressed in black all the time. I was standing in front of them, wearing a pink skirt and a white top.  I actually didn’t even own any black clothes, so they had never seen me dressed in black.  But because this person created a story that I was a Goth, the fact that I looked nothing like she described me was completely ignored. Realise that the story they’ve created has nothing to do with you in reality.  It only exists inside their head.

3: Remember that you have everything you need already within you.  If you feel you need to get someone to respond to you in a certain way so you can feel loved, then it’s going to trigger you when you feel them withdraw their love from you.  It will probably trigger beliefs you have that you’ll never be loved.  But when you shift your perspective, and remember that you already have all the love you’ll ever need within you, that you have an unlimited supply of love that you always have access to,  then you won’t buy into any old beliefs when someone behaves in a less than loving way. You are no longer trying to get something from outside of you, that you already have within you.

4: Remember that their behavior might not have anything to do with you.  If they have been acting strangely, it could be for any number of reasons.  For example, if you have been urging a friend to meet up for the past month and they keep putting it off or making excuses then it’s easy to believe they’re avoiding you.  But remember that your friend has a whole life outside of her relationship with you.  Maybe she’s stressed because of work, or maybe she’s having problems in her marriage. How many times in the past have you been worried that someone’s been ‘off’ with you, only to find out that it had nothing to do with you at all?  The solution in a situation like this is to simply ask if everything is ok.  If on the rare chance, the problem is with you, you can then work together to resolve it.  If the problem is something else, then you can offer your friend your support.

When you get to this place of not taking things personally, your relationships will be much smoother.  You’ll feel less guarded, not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You’ll also feel more comfortable opening up and allowing new relationships into your life, knowing that no matter what happens, you will always be loved and valued, and that you hold the key to that, no-one else.

Radio Show

Recently, I was interviewed by Carmen Wyld, on her Inspired Conscious Living radio show.  We talked about how to stop apologizing for who you are, and why authentic self love is at the core of creating the life of your desire.  Enjoy 🙂

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiringconsciousliving/2013/11/10/interview-with-tiffany–transition-coach

 

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dexxus/4714207610/">paul bica</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

 

What Are You Avoiding?

We all play small at times, often without even realizing we’re doing it.  We keep ourselves in our safe little corners and dream that ‘maybe someday’, the life we want will somehow just magically happen for us, without us having to make any big changes, or step out of our comfort zones.

While we don’t always see it in ourselves, we do see it in other people.  Think of the woman you know who has always talked about travelling the world, and yet has never bought a plane ticket.  Think of the woman who dreams of meeting the love of her life and talks proudly about how she refuses to settle, but yet never goes on a date.  Or the woman who dreams of doing meaningful work in the world but is too afraid to put herself out there and own what she does.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/haoz/1204314670/">HaoJan</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">c

These women are all trying to avoid something.  Whether that’s failure, rejection or something else.  They all want their big dreams, but they want it to happen without them having to take any risks.  They want to call in these exciting changes into their lives, without growing into the women they would need to be, in order to be able to receive them.

The life you have now, came through as a result of the woman you were when you created it.  In order to call in something new and better, you need to release the old you, the woman who allowed her fears to stop her, and who lived her life in a way that allowed her to play safe and avoid pain.  You need to grow yourself into the woman who opens herself up to her dreams, in spite of her fears, who owns her worth and isn’t afraid to be seen.

If you have spent your life as an employee, and you now dream of being a six figure entrepreneur, you need to allow the ’employee’ you to die, and step into being the woman who is a six figure entrepreneur, even before your six figure earnings show up in the real world.  Employees can avoid being visible, and can play small.  Entrepreneurs can’t and won’t.

If you have spent your life either alone, and/or with the wrong men, and you dream of being happily married to the love of your life, then you need to release the old you, who tolerated poor treatment, and settled for crumbs, and instead grow yourself into the woman who is blissfully cherished and adored and is head over heels in love with her amazing husband.

Spend some time this week, thinking of the life you want to live, and notice how often your actions line up with that.  If you say you want one thing, but your actions tell you something different, ask yourself what you’re trying to avoid?  What pain is it you’re trying to get away from?  Are you hoping that the things you want will somehow happen without you having to put yourself out there and take risks to receive them?

If so, promise yourself that from now on, the actions you take will be in alignment with what you really want.  Having to face your fear of opening yourself up to new clients won’t seem so bad when you’re choosing an exotic location to spend your Summer in, money no object.  The idea of having been rejected by one random guy won’t seem so painful when you wake up every morning in the arms of the love of your life.  Any pain is temporary,.  Once it’s over with, it’s in the past forever. And it will be nothing compared to the pain you’ll feel if you look back over your life and know that you wasted your chance to live your dreams, by playing safe and small.

What’s Your Relationship Story?

Have you spent years dreaming of, and trying to find the right man, but it just never seems to happen?  You know you want a loving relationship, possibly marriage and kids.  You long to meet your soul mate.  But year after year, True Love still seems to allude you. What’s going on?

As a conscious woman, you know you create your experiences.  This is good news. It means you can change your experience to the one you want to create. Of course, this also means you are doing something to keep yourself single.

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If you’ve been trying to call in love for years and it hasn’t happened, there is likely a story you’re telling yourself about love..  The story might be running just under the surface.  You probably have never taken it out and really examined it. And yet there’s probably lots of little ways the story pops up, without you recognizing it for what it is.

I’ll give you an example. I always knew I was terrified of marriage. I was the ultimate commitment-phobe.  I truly believed that once you got married, that was it. Your life was over. When a guy talked about the future, or when I received a marriage proposal, I felt a cold, sick feeling of terror in my stomach. It was a strange contrast, because at the same time, I was one of the sappiest people you could ever meet. A story of a man and a woman who had been together 60 years and were still head over heels in love would have me in floods of tears. Remember Heathcliff’s line from Wuthering Heights, ‘I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul’?  For a long time, my friends thought it was hilarious to say that line to me in public, and watch me well up.

So, what was going on?  There were hints.  If a guy I was dating tried to tell me what to do, I’d flair up right away, pointing out the fact that we weren’t married yet.  If a married woman mentioned going on holiday or to a concert with her friends, I got a jolt of surprise that she could do that.

I sat down and really called up the marriage movie I had playing in my head, and this time I watched it and paid attention.  I was shocked at what I saw.  When I imagined being married, I imagined it meant signing away all rights to having an identity of my own.  I saw it as no longer being a real person, but an object who existed to meet my husband’s needs.  I also imagined that I would have no right to feel unhappy about this because by getting married, I was agreeing to accept this as my role in life.

I had no idea that what I was seeing was not a healthy marriage, but an abusive relationship with a narcissistic manchild. I just thought that because the idea of marriage turned me off, I probably just wasn’t the marrying kind.  It was a shock to realize how unhealthy this story was.

No wonder I found it so hard to find the right person.  When I started dating someone new, I was always tense, waiting for the controlling behavior to start. I played safe by dating men who were weaker than me in some way. Ironically, these men were very controlling. Not in a ‘Do what I say!’ kind of way, but in a way that was passive-aggressive, piling guilt and pressure on me to do what they wanted.  By trying to avoid being controlled, I was actually making it happen.  As Carl Jung says, what we resist persists.

Take a look at your own story and discover what you’re telling yourself about the relationship you want.  This story has to be examined and challenged.  None of the dating rules in the world will make the smallest difference if you’re still carrying this around.  If you’re having trouble uncovering your story, you can contact me at borntobeaheroine@gmail.com for a free two hour session, where we’ll identify what your story is.

Next time, we’ll look at how to challenge your story and replace it with a more empowering one, one that will lead you to the love of your life.