Happy International Self Love Day!

Happy International Self Love Day, Ladies!  Not many people know about this holiday, but I believe self love is the key to attracting all the things we want into our lives, including the right relationships, romantic or otherwise, and should be celebrated.  Spending time with ourselves, really getting to know who we are, the truth of who we are right at our cores is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and everyone in our lives.

It is almost impossible to create the life and love you want, if you don’t know or love who you are.  You’ll continuously look for people outside of you to give you that which you can only give to yourself.  We’ve all been there.  I’ve been the woman who feared that she was a horrible person at her core, and pulled on other people to prove to her that she really was a good person, all the while afraid that sooner or later, they’d discover how bad I really was.  I’ve also been the woman who attracted the Walking Wounded, people who pulled on her to make amends for all the wrongs life had done them.  Being on either side of the dynamic will never bring us the deep inner peace, happiness, joy and love we’re really looking for.

Life On Own Terms

Self love takes courage.  I also believe it’s a discipline, something we need to chose day after day, even when we don’t feel like it.  We choose to love ourselves, even when we don’t feel good, or we make mistakes.  This is real unconditional love, something you commit to creating moment to moment, not just something you promise yourself when you’re feeling on top of the world, and goes out the window as soon as you feel angry or fed up or sad.

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone loved themselves unconditionally, with the kind of healthy love that flows out to everyone in our lives?  No more choosing relationships based on fear.  No more staying in jobs which drain us because we’re too afraid of going after what we really want.  No more neglecting our health or scraping by month after month because we’re too afraid of rejection or feelings of unworthiness to charge what we’re really worth.

If you’re single right now, the day before Valentine’s Day, you’re actually in a very lucky situation.  You have a free canvas for creating the love you really want so that next Valentine’s Day, you may wake up in the arms of the love of your life.  And you can start creating this right now, on International Self Love Day, by righting the most important relationship you’ll ever have in your life, the one you have with yourself.  Make a decision today that you’re going to commit to knowing yourself and falling deeply in love with who you really are.  At the end of the day, you’re the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, the one who’s going to be with you no matter what.  And the deep, loving, passionate relationship you’re looking for can only happen when two people who know and love who they are, come together to give and share love rather than to get love.

Self love isn’t always an easy thing to develop.  I grew up with a lot of examples of toxic self love and I couldn’t shake the belief that to love myself and put myself first would make me a selfish person who would hurt other people.  But I learned, as will you, that self love is only selfish if you think it’s only something you should have.  When you give to yourself to the detriment of other people and think other people should give to you ‘just because’.

When you have a deep, healthy self love, you want everyone else to experience it too. You don’t think other people valuing themselves makes you somehow less valuable.  Self love prevents you from pulling on others to give to you what you can only get from yourself.  Healthy self love makes you a more open hearted, generous person and developing it is one of the most selfless things you can do.

What can you do today to fall more deeply in love with yourself?  How can you be kinder to yourself?

Hint:  Imagine your ideal relationship.  Imagine how he’ll treat you.  That’s how you treat yourself.  The relationships we call in are a reflection of our relationships with ourselves.  If you attract men who don’t care about what you want, you need to ask yourself in what ways are you neglecting your own wants.  If you attract men who are never there for you, you need to ask yourself in what ways are you not there for yourself.  And if you want to attract a strong, loving man who will love you, no matter what, you need to commit to feeling this way about yourself first.

I’ll be writing more on developing deep self love in the coming weeks but for now, let me once again wish you all a Happy Self Love Day. Here’s to creating the most important love you’ll ever have!

How To Not Take Things Personally

There’s always a chance it’s going to happen.  Something will fall apart.  A relationship will implode.  Someone you thought you could trust will do something that will leave you reeling with shock and betrayal.

It’s very easy to turn this back on yourself.  To beat yourself up, and ask yourself how you could have not seen it coming.  You’ll compare yourself to others who seem to flow through life effortlessly.  If you’ve been doing lots of work on yourself, you might start asking yourself what it’s all for.  What’s the point in putting so much effort into growth and improving yourself if nothing ever changes?

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licen

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin

Something like this happened to me recently.  A difficult, non-romantic relationship which I hoped had been resolved (although I was taking it one day at a time) went off the way it always had done before, in spite of all the promises that everything would change.  I do feel sad and disappointed.  But it’s nothing like the devastation I used to feel every time this happened before.  Because I’ve made my peace with the knowledge that this isn’t about me.  Before, I would have beaten myself up and blamed myself for the situation going the way it did.  I would have been plunged into the old fog where reality was completely turned on it’s head, where up was down, black was white, left was right. I would have felt like all the changes I’d made had come to nothing.

But now I know that’s not the case.  I can’t control how other people respond to me, all I can control is my own response to them.  I can’t stop someone from behaving in a toxic way.  But I can refuse to allow myself to be manipulated, by holding onto my own reality and getting drawn into someone else’s story.

The following steps will help you to not take it personally when a relationship goes wrong, especially when you thought things were improving.

1: Release control.  When you improve yourself, you do it unconditionally.  That means sometimes people around you won’t like it when you interact with them in a new, more empowered way. And that’s ok.  How they choose to respond (choose being the operative word) is completely up to them, and really none of your business. You don’t need their permission to make positive changes to yourself.

2: Realise they’re probably not even responding to you.  People are often stuck in their own scripts and stories.  Lots of times, they’re not even responding to you at all, they’re responding to a story about you that they’ve created in their minds.  They’ve decided you’re ‘this kind of person’, even if it has nothing to do with reality.  As a silly example, I once knew someone who saw me as a Goth. When I asked them why they thought this, they told me it was because I dressed in black all the time. I was standing in front of them, wearing a pink skirt and a white top.  I actually didn’t even own any black clothes, so they had never seen me dressed in black.  But because this person created a story that I was a Goth, the fact that I looked nothing like she described me was completely ignored. Realise that the story they’ve created has nothing to do with you in reality.  It only exists inside their head.

3: Remember that you have everything you need already within you.  If you feel you need to get someone to respond to you in a certain way so you can feel loved, then it’s going to trigger you when you feel them withdraw their love from you.  It will probably trigger beliefs you have that you’ll never be loved.  But when you shift your perspective, and remember that you already have all the love you’ll ever need within you, that you have an unlimited supply of love that you always have access to,  then you won’t buy into any old beliefs when someone behaves in a less than loving way. You are no longer trying to get something from outside of you, that you already have within you.

4: Remember that their behavior might not have anything to do with you.  If they have been acting strangely, it could be for any number of reasons.  For example, if you have been urging a friend to meet up for the past month and they keep putting it off or making excuses then it’s easy to believe they’re avoiding you.  But remember that your friend has a whole life outside of her relationship with you.  Maybe she’s stressed because of work, or maybe she’s having problems in her marriage. How many times in the past have you been worried that someone’s been ‘off’ with you, only to find out that it had nothing to do with you at all?  The solution in a situation like this is to simply ask if everything is ok.  If on the rare chance, the problem is with you, you can then work together to resolve it.  If the problem is something else, then you can offer your friend your support.

When you get to this place of not taking things personally, your relationships will be much smoother.  You’ll feel less guarded, not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You’ll also feel more comfortable opening up and allowing new relationships into your life, knowing that no matter what happens, you will always be loved and valued, and that you hold the key to that, no-one else.

Radio Show

Recently, I was interviewed by Carmen Wyld, on her Inspired Conscious Living radio show.  We talked about how to stop apologizing for who you are, and why authentic self love is at the core of creating the life of your desire.  Enjoy 🙂

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiringconsciousliving/2013/11/10/interview-with-tiffany–transition-coach

 

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dexxus/4714207610/">paul bica</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

 

What Are You Avoiding?

We all play small at times, often without even realizing we’re doing it.  We keep ourselves in our safe little corners and dream that ‘maybe someday’, the life we want will somehow just magically happen for us, without us having to make any big changes, or step out of our comfort zones.

While we don’t always see it in ourselves, we do see it in other people.  Think of the woman you know who has always talked about travelling the world, and yet has never bought a plane ticket.  Think of the woman who dreams of meeting the love of her life and talks proudly about how she refuses to settle, but yet never goes on a date.  Or the woman who dreams of doing meaningful work in the world but is too afraid to put herself out there and own what she does.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/haoz/1204314670/">HaoJan</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">c

These women are all trying to avoid something.  Whether that’s failure, rejection or something else.  They all want their big dreams, but they want it to happen without them having to take any risks.  They want to call in these exciting changes into their lives, without growing into the women they would need to be, in order to be able to receive them.

The life you have now, came through as a result of the woman you were when you created it.  In order to call in something new and better, you need to release the old you, the woman who allowed her fears to stop her, and who lived her life in a way that allowed her to play safe and avoid pain.  You need to grow yourself into the woman who opens herself up to her dreams, in spite of her fears, who owns her worth and isn’t afraid to be seen.

If you have spent your life as an employee, and you now dream of being a six figure entrepreneur, you need to allow the ’employee’ you to die, and step into being the woman who is a six figure entrepreneur, even before your six figure earnings show up in the real world.  Employees can avoid being visible, and can play small.  Entrepreneurs can’t and won’t.

If you have spent your life either alone, and/or with the wrong men, and you dream of being happily married to the love of your life, then you need to release the old you, who tolerated poor treatment, and settled for crumbs, and instead grow yourself into the woman who is blissfully cherished and adored and is head over heels in love with her amazing husband.

Spend some time this week, thinking of the life you want to live, and notice how often your actions line up with that.  If you say you want one thing, but your actions tell you something different, ask yourself what you’re trying to avoid?  What pain is it you’re trying to get away from?  Are you hoping that the things you want will somehow happen without you having to put yourself out there and take risks to receive them?

If so, promise yourself that from now on, the actions you take will be in alignment with what you really want.  Having to face your fear of opening yourself up to new clients won’t seem so bad when you’re choosing an exotic location to spend your Summer in, money no object.  The idea of having been rejected by one random guy won’t seem so painful when you wake up every morning in the arms of the love of your life.  Any pain is temporary,.  Once it’s over with, it’s in the past forever. And it will be nothing compared to the pain you’ll feel if you look back over your life and know that you wasted your chance to live your dreams, by playing safe and small.