Have you spent years dreaming of, and trying to find the right man, but it just never seems to happen? You know you want a loving relationship, possibly marriage and kids. You long to meet your soul mate. But year after year, True Love still seems to allude you. What’s going on?
As a conscious woman, you know you create your experiences. This is good news. It means you can change your experience to the one you want to create. Of course, this also means you are doing something to keep yourself single.
If you’ve been trying to call in love for years and it hasn’t happened, there is likely a story you’re telling yourself about love.. The story might be running just under the surface. You probably have never taken it out and really examined it. And yet there’s probably lots of little ways the story pops up, without you recognizing it for what it is.
I’ll give you an example. I always knew I was terrified of marriage. I was the ultimate commitment-phobe. I truly believed that once you got married, that was it. Your life was over. When a guy talked about the future, or when I received a marriage proposal, I felt a cold, sick feeling of terror in my stomach. It was a strange contrast, because at the same time, I was one of the sappiest people you could ever meet. A story of a man and a woman who had been together 60 years and were still head over heels in love would have me in floods of tears. Remember Heathcliff’s line from Wuthering Heights, ‘I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul’? For a long time, my friends thought it was hilarious to say that line to me in public, and watch me well up.
So, what was going on? There were hints. If a guy I was dating tried to tell me what to do, I’d flair up right away, pointing out the fact that we weren’t married yet. If a married woman mentioned going on holiday or to a concert with her friends, I got a jolt of surprise that she could do that.
I sat down and really called up the marriage movie I had playing in my head, and this time I watched it and paid attention. I was shocked at what I saw. When I imagined being married, I imagined it meant signing away all rights to having an identity of my own. I saw it as no longer being a real person, but an object who existed to meet my husband’s needs. I also imagined that I would have no right to feel unhappy about this because by getting married, I was agreeing to accept this as my role in life.
I had no idea that what I was seeing was not a healthy marriage, but an abusive relationship with a narcissistic manchild. I just thought that because the idea of marriage turned me off, I probably just wasn’t the marrying kind. It was a shock to realize how unhealthy this story was.
No wonder I found it so hard to find the right person. When I started dating someone new, I was always tense, waiting for the controlling behavior to start. I played safe by dating men who were weaker than me in some way. Ironically, these men were very controlling. Not in a ‘Do what I say!’ kind of way, but in a way that was passive-aggressive, piling guilt and pressure on me to do what they wanted. By trying to avoid being controlled, I was actually making it happen. As Carl Jung says, what we resist persists.
Take a look at your own story and discover what you’re telling yourself about the relationship you want. This story has to be examined and challenged. None of the dating rules in the world will make the smallest difference if you’re still carrying this around. If you’re having trouble uncovering your story, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org for a free two hour session, where we’ll identify what your story is.
Next time, we’ll look at how to challenge your story and replace it with a more empowering one, one that will lead you to the love of your life.